Hello. If youre reading this right now, its because you want to make a change. Youre here because youve always been large, but now your largeness has become revolting. You are here because God has cursed you with a flabby paunch, and you hate the way it bounces and oozes.

You are here, frankly, because you have nowhere else to turn.

Yes! The first step to dying a lonely, broken person who is full of regret is admitting to yourself that you want to die a lonely, broken person who is full of regret. Today is the day you embark on that path. Go out in the world, get off this computer, and embrace the darkness.

Incredible. Its time to begin anew! Its time for a new, less fleshy chapter. To start, take a good, hard look at yourself. Thisthis is you now.

And this was youthis was you 8 glorious pounds ago.

Look, denial is a sign of weakness. Look into your own eyes. If youre going to make a change, you must accept that this perfect, chiseled muscle kingdom used to be yours.

Yes! The reality is, you are 8 pounds away from true happiness. Your new, lip-smacking body is practically within reach, but only if you vow to work hard and systematically destroy every inch of your old self. So, how would you like to lose 8 pounds?

A-ha! You seem to be a dumb person who does not want to lose 8 pounds. Well, beneath that extra weight is a beautiful and muscular Adonis just waiting to kill the old you.

So, how will you get pumped for your total 8-pound makeover?

You decide to log onto lard.edu, your favorite bodybuilding health resource.

Incredible. Lad.com is unfortunately the best website on the internet. While the actors svelte bodies did in fact make you want to lose 8 pounds, you were so drawn to the hot, attractive sex that you didnt leave your computer for hours. Instead, you gained 2 pounds from sitting and failed! Whoops.

You go to the testimonials section. Yes, this is the stuff you need.

You keep scrolling. Its incredible.

Great, youre motivated! Now lets lose those pounds!

Hi, boyfriend, says your skinny girlfriend, looking you up and down. I heard you are trying to lose 8 pounds. Hey, we should engage in the primal act of sexits great for losing 8 pounds.

Actually, just kidding, she says. Sex is for people who have lost 8 pounds. Well have sex when youve lost 8 pounds.

Oh, okay, thats fine, I understand, she says. I will break up with you then! Lets have sex when youve lost 8 pounds.

Ah, the days when you were 8 pounds lighter and the world was brighter…the days when all your pants were unfathomably loose….

The days when you held an apple in your hands at all times and smiled…when you wore a tape measure around your waist as jewelry….

The days when your family was still alive….

Ah, the flu! An excellent choice. The flu is the worlds No. 1 disease for causing pounds and pounds of fluid secretion. How would you like to get a slimming, fat-burning strain of the flu today?

Incredible! You got the flu. The good news is that youre now sicker than youve ever been, and 3 pounds of fluids have already been released from your holes! The bad news is that your body remains swollen and unsightly. What do you do now?

Great choice! You go to the doctor and beg for the flu, the best weight-loss program in the world.

Oh, God, just look at youyou desperately need to lose 8 pounds, says the doctor. I could give you the flu, or I could give you a more extreme weight-loss procedure Ive been working on.

Great choiceIve been meaning to commit a fun crime and finally perform this weight-loss procedure on someone, he says, laying you down. Im going to put this monkey heart in you and just see what happens with your 8 pounds. How does that sound?

While lying lifelessly next to the toilet, you try on your old pants. Wow, they barely fit! Your mouth may be parched and your eyes crusted shut, but if you took a shower, youd be 10 times hotter than you were before!

So, how will you lose those remaining 5 pounds?

Oh, no! You lost 5 pounds, and then 4 more pounds! The flu was unfortunately too effective, and you ended up losing 12 pounds total. You look gaunt and disgusting, a mere skeleton of the hunk you once were. Maybe try gaining weight, because right now youre a fitness disaster.

Well, you steamed some hot water over a cow and made yourself some beef broth. But unfortunately, you got better, and you stopped losing weight when you were only 2 pounds short of your goal! Sadly, it seems like youre still a blob-like fitness disaster. Would you like to try another way?

Great choice! You go to the doctor and beg for the worst, most infectious disease hes got. Maybe malaria, if he has it.

Oh, Jesus, you desperately need to lose 8 pounds, says the doctor. I could give you either a totally untested disease I invented or a radical weight-loss procedure Ive been working on.

This disease evolved from monkey DNA, but dont worry, its not AIDS, says your doctor. Hopefully, itll get those 5 remaining pounds off!

The results are great at first! You eat a healthy, clean diet of grubs and vegetation, and almost instantly began shrinking. Unfortunately, you became more man than monkey, and while your skeleton was contracting into the exact size of a primate, you lost 25 additional pounds. Looks like youll have to try again if you want to lose just 8.

Congrats! You now have a monkey heart, which is already 2 pounds lighter than a human heart. And holy cow, you look hotbut you feel even hotter. How will you lose those last 3 pounds?

Mmm, beautiful. Mating with a squirrel can burn up to 500 calories in an hour. How will you proceed?

You did it! You lost 8 pounds! Its unclear whether you lost the weight from your new relationship or due to the fact that monkey hearts beat 10 times faster than those of humans, but no matter! Youre a perfect 8 pounds lighter now, healthy and hot as can be. Well done!

Great! Feeling hungry, you leave the hospital and see this: a delicious grub! Mmm…what would you like to do?

Well, you lost weight, but you lost too much. This grub was high in protein and low in fat, but its high poison content also killed you, resulting in too much weight loss (15 pounds too many!). Next time, try losing less, because this ended up with you looking like a terrifying skeleton creature.

Excellent! Youve chosen to try to lose weight through both exercise and a healthy diet! But lets be real, big guyyou can probably only handle doing one of those at a time. Which one would you rather do?

Great! Exercise, the violence we put our bodies through in order to look sexual. How would you like to start exercising today?

Perfect. This is Quinn, your personal trainer.

You will never lose 8 pounds, says your Quinn.

Sure, youre peaceful or some shit for 25 minutes. Fucking cool-ass idea to sit on the floor to exercise. Your weight stays exactly the same. Who cares?

Ah, the gym! Welcome to 24-Hour Muscle Hell, the gym in your city that you can afford! Its motto is You Will Lose 8 Pounds Here, so things are finally looking up. What part of the gym would you like to start in?

Yes, the weights section. The section of the gym that makes your flesh sing in pain! Time to sculpt a new, lighter self from your old, heavier self!

You look at the trainer, who hands you two large metal instruments. How will you proceed?

We can spot you, say the strongest people in the gym, grabbing each of your barbells. With our help, youll be able to lift without cracking your spine in half, and youll lose those 8 poundsguaranteed.

Each of them grabs one of your weights and begins lifting it on their own. You try to grab on, but they both say, No, dont touch. Were spotting you, not the other way around.

You eventually give up, but as a result, lose no weight. You still have 8 pounds to gowhat should you do?

You can lift us up, say the strongest people in the gym, walking up to you with their taut bodies on display. If you lift us up, youll lose 8 pounds in no timethats a guarantee.

You try and try to lift them up. Were heavy, just swollen with strong muscle flesh, they scream each time you try to lift them up. Lifting two heavy people is just the first step to changing your life!

You eventually give up, but as a result, lose no weight. You still have 8 pounds to gowhat should you do?

Yes, the cardio section. The section of the gym that makes your heart explode!

Help me, says the cardio trainer. The gym has been downloading my muscles through these wires for years.

How will you proceed?

The cardio trainer tries to make space on the treadmill so you can chase him, but suddenly, the gyms general manager comes up and starts touching his electric nipples.

More downloadingweve almost filled the mainframe with muscle, she says. This man can lose 8 pounds later.

You eventually give up, but as a result, lose no weight. You still have 8 pounds to gowhat should you do?

The cardio trainer tries to make space on the treadmill so he can chase you, but suddenly, the gyms general manager comes up and starts touching his electric nipples.

More downloadingweve almost filled the mainframe with muscle, she says. This man can lose 8 pounds later.

You eventually give up, but as a result, lose no weight. You still have 8 pounds to gowhat should you do?

Zumba it is! You walk into the studio, bloated with your 8 extra pounds still stuck deep under your skin.

Kill, your Zumba dojos yell in unison. Kill the man who is slightly heavier than he used to be.

How do you proceed?

You have chosen to fight your Zumba dojos.

Zumba is a great way to shed extra weight, they yell one by one.

How would you like to fight your opponents?

Your extra weight throws off your aerodynamics a little, and you end up punching a hole through the wall.

Okay, sure, they say, bowing. You defeated us. Heres a Zumba belt for all your troubles.

Unfortunately, Zumba is a dance that is mostly self-defense, so it really doesnt involve too much movement. As a result, you lost no weight. You still have 8 pounds to gowhat should you do?

You have chosen to surrender to your dojos. You are weak and will never lose 8 pounds, they yell one by one.

How would you like to surrender to your opponents?

Okay, sure, they say, bowing. Youve definitely proved that you dont belong here. Heres a Zumba belt for all your troubles.

Unfortunately, Zumba is a dance that is mostly self-defense, so it really doesnt involve too much movement. As a result, you lost no weight. You still have 8 pounds to gowhat should you do?

Welcome to the locker room, the premier place to lose 8 pounds, says this man, the locker room trainer. This is a 24-hour gym, so Ill be here 24 hours today. Would you like to sign up for a two-hour session of sitting with me?

Two hours pass. You sat well, but somehow you lost no weight.

Great job! he says, patting you on the back. Would you like to stay for another two-hour session?