My Spouse Has a Hidden Cell Phone That He Doesn’t Think I Know About – What Should I Do?

I get asked some variation of this question quite regularly. Examples are things like “if my spouse has two mobile phones, should I be suspicious of him cheating? Should I confront him?” Or: “is there any reason for a loving and faithful spouse to need to have a hidden or separate cell phone?” If there are legitimate reasons for needing a secret cell phone for logical and innocent reasons, I’m having a hard time coming up with them.

To be fair, I have heard of one situation where a husband had a cell phone just for friends and family members when he was trying to keep the planning of a college graduation party (in his wife’s honor) a secret. The two of them shared an email account so this was the only way the husband knew to keep the party a secret.

But, on the flip side of the coin, there are many spouses out there who buy a separate phone on which to contact and communicate with the person that they are cheating with. There are also many people who will buy a mobile phone that is 100% identical to their primary one. So, for example if a husband regularly has an iPhone, he will buy another (of the same model, of course) and then carry the “spare” one when he’s expecting to hear from the other woman. Since the wife expects for him to be carrying an iPhone, she doesn’t suspect anything.

Another example is a wife who buys a blackberry similar to the one she uses for work. But, she may have a slightly different ringtone or set the red light to go off when the other man is calling.

Other times, the cheating spouse will just buy a strictly hidden (and often very small) spare cell phone that they will just throw in the glove compartment of their car or in their desk at work. Basically, they will put it somewhere that they know their spouse won’t look. Then, when they’re alone and know that they will have some privacy, they will make the calls or texts that they know you won’t have any way to track (as long as you don’t know that the phone exists.)

What Should You Do When You Find Your Spouse’s Hidden Cell Phone?: This is the million dollar question, isn’t it? Many people will tell me that they are dead set on learning the truth, but then when they actually find the phone and are holding in their hand, they freeze up. Many are overcome with emotion. Many tell me that they begin sobbing and are tempted to just throw the phone away and hope that the cheating spouse will wonder what happened to it, and then this will open up some conversation or some confessions. Many will use finding the phone as the catalyst to finally approach their spouse about their suspicions of cheating.

Sometimes, it can really help to take a deep breathe and ask yourself if you’re been noticing any other strange behaviors or omissions. Typically, spouses in this situation have also noticed their spouse acting distant, not being around as much, or just acting “weird” or “suspicious.” Because, although it does occasionally happen that a person will just innocently find the phone without any suspicions behind it, they are often specifically looking for it or are expecting to find it.

In fact, they usually aren’t all that surprised when they find it, but they are usually overcome with emotion and indecision. How you handle this is really is up to you and is usually dependent on what else you have noticed and how you best deal with your spouse in order to get the the results that you really want.

And sometimes, history has told you that your spouse has been lying to you or omitting things to cover up their suspicious behavior or their cheating. And sometimes, following up upon the clues that are left are among the only sure ways to learn the truth (especially since some spouse’s have no intention of ever telling you the truth until they are caught in their lies.) Because if it was their desire to be out in the open or completely honest, they usually would not have the need to hide things (like cell phones) from you.

You’ll often have to decide if you want to use this find to just watch them more closely, as the catalyst to confront them, or as the concrete and tangible clue that it really is. You can often read texts, view photos, and check out call logs and emails from the phone (you can sometimes even those that have been deleted) to tell you what is really going on. This is a decision that only you can make.